I’d like to write about differences today. I realized, that if people know at all or have heard of Asperger’s, they do have some kind of clear picture of what it is. But there’s no clear picture.
The best, even for myself, is to just remind myself to my Ex. Let’s call him Paul. Paul and I have had an intensive relationship and things, people from outside found strange on him, I found rather normal. That’s now about 16 years ago and it was the time, when diagnosing Asperger’s started…but by far not in Germany. So, people though, Paul was strange…but hey, he was so smart and witty…there couldn’t be anything wrong. Ja, there was. And strange enough, I was the first to somehow suffer from it…but also the first trying to help, after he had a breakdown in later years. In a time, we didn’t have contact anymore.
So let’s see. First things, one recognized might have been his stacato like talk. Words where spit out in a speed, hard to follow. Paul never had a quiet voice. Everything was fast, one realized, he was faster thinking than talking. And he talked a lot. Looking at me, I need long to talk especially when there are strangers. I need long to make contact. Paul always went to new people right away, chatting with them, asking them about themselves. Things which are still difficult if not impossible for me. But that way, he was my backup.
When one was a bit closer, one realized his obsessions. They were not like books say interests in trains or buildings or whatever. His obsessions were mainly food and music. I remember weeks of self made popcorn…every day, every time of the day, followed by certain kinds of bought potato chips. I never had a food obsession. Mine is knowledge. Once I’m interessted in a topic, I can’t stop reading about it - including buying tons of books. And yes, I read them all.
His next obsession was music. Day and night we had gregorian chorals….in the beginning, when I learned to know him, it was “Freude schöner Götterfunken”. Music obsessions are something I do understand, I have them myself…not in this way and with different music, but they are there.
The third remarkable thing was, that Paul never ever was preoccupied. something, in a political way got difficult. But somehow, he only was interested in the people. So his friends came from every background - and when I say every, I mean every. Luckily, they never met. I’m somewhat the same. But due to my family’s history, i had to learn early, that one shouldn’t trust too easily. As I’m anyways needing long to talk to people, that’s not difficult. Nevertheless I’m often said, that I’m not preoccupied enough, that I understand too much….whatever. What else shall one do in a world, one doesn’t realy understand, than trying to understand it? Though I know the consequences of people’s thoughts and believes. Paul obviously didn’t think of it.
Another thing, I learned early is, that one has to be careful with what one says. People could react strangely. So when I say something at all. I always play the game of ittt (if this, then that) I learned, how people react. They are study objects all my life and I know mostly, how to play this game. Although it’s tyring…and obviously more and more people don’t care about it. Something making it even more difficult to cope in this world. Paul instead always said, what he thought. No matter what consequences it had. He didn’t understand NTs, like I did. I could explain things like this to him. But then it obviously got more difficult for him. After all he had to stop his dissertation. His Prof. couldn’t deal with him this way. No one explained Paul the rules of NTs. His parents didn’t think of something wrong with him…his father most likely was an Aspie himself, his sister surely was. With even more problems to deal with NTs…but she was the greatest vet I’ve ever known. She couldn’t talk with humans but she had the best feeling for animals. There was not one pet being afraid of her. They just made a connection.
Later years I heard, that Paul was in a psychiatric clinic. He brought himself there. I called the doc, as I was worried about him. II was told, I was the first one, interested and even offering help. His parents only wanted him to leave there….what would the neighbors say? Paul stayed only for a week. I don’t know, if he was diagnosed there. I haven’t heard of him in a while. Only a few years later, when he returned to Berlin after his Prof fired him. He stayed at my place for the first weeks. I had the impression, he had even more difficulties coping with the world. In the meanwhile he had two children, but wouldn’t live with them. He told about them, as they were strangers…and some kind of experiment.
Again, I didn’t hear of him in a while. II had to get him out of my place, as he crossed the line of getting into my room while I was asleep. He still was my friend. But learning about the N world seemed more difficult for him, then for me. II think, I could do that better in the meanwhile
The least thing I heard was, that he rented a room close to his children…he”s working as what he is, a great physicist. And I know, he knows by now, what we have.
Both of us where born in a time, when Aspergers was unknown in Germany. Both of us are diagnosed the same. Nevertheless, we are different. As humans are.
I’m tired. And somehow I feel like writing in English today. I don’t know why. This language thing is always a bit crazy with me.
So now I’m sitting here at work and just feel like sleeping. Instead I have to cope with people. Ja, I know, I could find myself a job withough people. But that’s life. I’m happy, I have the jobs I have. But right now, I’m just tired from running around. From not having a second for myself. From being worn out by other people, gaining energy from me, but not asking, how I could get energy. I don’t get any. I feel like walking the line, one side up, one side down. And the latter one would be the easy way. I don’t want to get drawn down to a depression again, I don’t want to be burned out again. I simply wish, people around me would understand, that silence, lonelyness is my healing method.
But do they understand? No, they don’t. They see, what they are fighting with themselves, their stress is this always faster world and they do not understand, what a none NT needs. So far I wish, I could have this one week of not talking to anyone. I recognize, that my silencing is getting more. That I simply mute. I know me by now and know, that’s no good sign.
So I yell to this world, the way I’m able to yell: Please give me silence, stop pulling at me, stop expecting things of me. Just leave me for a while or I will break. I broke too often. I don’t know, if can can stand another time.
If I don’t write to empty my mind, I go mad.
Weihnachten…und was es soll
…nun, das frage ich mich immer. Ich kann mit Weihnachten nichts anfangen. Es ist ein Konstrukt, in dem ich genervte Familien sehe, gestresste Einkäufer und irgendwie immer Menschen, die Weihnachten und seine Verpflichtungen nicht mögen, sich aber auch nicht dagegen wehren.
Für mich heißt Weihnachten auch Stress. Ich habe keinen Einkaufsstress, ich habe diesen elendigen “man sollte aber…und schließlich ist es ja Weihnachten”-Stress. Ich will ihn nicht, ich kann das nicht. Es gibt Streit, immer und immer wieder und letztlich füge ich mich, weil ich es nicht aushalte. Ich bin nicht glücklich, ich fühle mich nicht wohl. Ich mache all das nur, um anderen einen Gefallen zu tun, die aber nicht sehen, dass ich mich quäle.
Ich kann es nicht mehr hören “Das ist ein Familienfest”, “Du bist schließlich die einzige Familie, die wir haben”…es ist mir egal. Es bedeutet mir nichts. Ich mache es dennoch und ärgere mich über mich selbst. Sehne die Zeit herbei, wo all das endlich vorbei sein kann. Ja, das mag böse erscheinen. Aber ich möchte auch gefragt werden.
Das werde ich nicht. Ich sitze dabei, unmotiviert und zähle die Stunden, bis ich endlich wieder nach hause kann. Mich erholen, ausruhen. Weihnachten nimmt Energie - mir noch mehr als NTs, die sich dem ja trotz allem gern aussetzen. Irgendwie auch Sinn darin sehen.
Ich bekomme Migräne, jedes Jahr wieder. Sitze genervt in einer Wolke von Schmerz und wünschte, ich hätte eine Arbeit, bei der ich auch an Weihnachten arbeiten kann - als Ausrede.
An den Feiertagen kann ich es…und bin erleichtert. So kann mich niemand sonst stressen…
Eine kleine Aspiepräsentation…
This is really the central irony of an autistic’s quest to understand NT’s: They are all different, yet they move in herds. They have a common language and common rules, but they often misunderstand each other, splinter into subgroups, an often break their own rules